Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Greg Tucker's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, April 7th, 2009
8:20 pm	Alive, depressed Still working. Still living. Still fat. After three years of trying to lose weight I'm still 100 pounds over what I was when I graduated HS... Halp?? (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, September 14th, 2008
9:49 pm	Abortion... I really do wish people would stop associating pro-choice with pro-abortion.. I can count on one hand the number of people that I've met who enjoyed their abortion(s). I think it's truly psychopathic when you enjoy getting pregnant just to destroy the fetus... To be clear, pro-choice means just that!!! It means you're all about the freedom to choose, you know, that certain inalienable right of Free Will? No, I don't support the taking of life in any case, it's more than regrettable sometimes that it has to happen to keep young women (or adults) safe. This was all spawned by meeting a catholic raised black female cashier at walmart in long beach, who just so happens to be a democrat. She's voting for McCain because he's pro-life. Does pro-choice somehow mean anti-life!? Have we digressed that far since the women's rights movements a few decades ago to believe that the freedom of choice can be misconstrued with the want to kill??? Of course I could blame this on religion, but I'd like some anthropological responses to this painful dilemma. Thoughts?? (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 26th, 2008
10:11 am	Damn you Kinsey! So who else saw this coming?? Your result for The How gay or straight are you? Test... 3 Congratulations! You scored ###%! Equally heterosexual and Homosexual. You are one of the few people who could be truely bisexual. Most people who are bisexual tend to lean more towards the men or the women. You could also consider yourself pansexual. Yay for equality. Take The How gay or straight are you? Test at HelloQuizzy Yep, I'm actually happy with those results.. Still leaning more towards women.. Current Mood: surprised (Comment on this)
Friday, August 22nd, 2008
5:50 pm	Yup, still alive!! So, after a few months I thought I'd update everybody with a few things. Life in California is good, hot, but dry, and expensive, but the base pay is higher so it all works out.. Here's the trip, in a nutshell: we broke down outside of Hays, KS and in Tuba City, AZ (the border of the Navajo and Hopi Nations). View Larger Map Fun huh?? Pictures to follow, eventually. More updates to follow, once there are things to talk about. Edit, also, I cut my hair... pictures to follow! Current Mood: nuetral Current Music: History Channel - BARBARIANS!! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 1st, 2008
12:04 pm	News.. Please be seated. Please clear your mind. Please breathe and think openly on what you're about to hear. I'm moving to LA in 13 days. Questions will be answered as they are received. -Gregory (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, April 14th, 2008
2:46 pm	announcements.. There's news on the horizon. You will need to be seated. You will need to have a clear head. I am hoping you will also be supportive. The next post will include more details... Until then, please continue to think of me, and hope that work doesn't kill me by June.. -Gregory (Comment on this)
Saturday, March 22nd, 2008
3:34 pm	Kilts = ________ A serious lack of modesty on my behalf. A lot of turned heads, especially in mid-american suburbia. A lot of blushing faces when I notice the turned heads. Even more blushing faces when I sit down and the kilt doesn't fall between my legs... Some happy happy days of breezes and comfortable freedom. Did you know that cuddles and kilts don't mix very well. There's the whole lying down thing, then the whole, "am i covered, are there children/people near by?" thing. After that is the, "OK so I think this thing is covering me, but I don't know how well." Seriously I never thought wearing a kilt would make me feel like an awkward girl wearing a skirt for the first time on a date.. But just the other day, while laying down to get some stuff from underneath a car in a storage shed, I put my left knee up and pulled my foot closer to me. I then realised that were I aimed in the other direction, i could have flashed an entire office full of people. This makes cuddling in parks either interesting, dangerous, or provocative. I should get pictures of me in the kilt, with the possible up-kilt shot that leaves much to the imagination. Like the one where you keep staring and it's still too dark to tell. And to answer the question, I wear it traditionally, everywhere, even in the cold. Thoughts? Current Mood: okay I guess.. Current Music: Imogen Heap - Hide and Seek. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, March 21st, 2008
4:17 pm	yeah, that's life right there.. Does this simultaneously prove my existence as fleeting or purposeful?? -Gregory PS, /love xkcd comic! Current Mood: chipper Current Music: Daft Punk.. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 11th, 2008
1:24 pm	solidarity..... My sister had her baby, Kathryn Anne Danner, born the fifth of March, at ll:45. Katy was 8 pounds, 4 ounces, and 21.25 inches. We are all so very happy for everything having gone right.. My truck still works, though I'm hating it. Still have a job, though I'm looking for something better, almost always. Single... That's a story for another day.. -Gregory Current Mood: .... Current Music: Keith Urban, You'll Think of Me.. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 4th, 2008
5:33 pm	Gary Gygax: dead at 69... Gary Gygax died... I'm seriously hugging my DnD books in homage to the man who brought so many such an awesome source of entertainment and imaginative growth. I roll my bag of dice for you Gary, may you game eternally, and perhaps teach the great DM in the sky a thing or two about thaco! -Gregory (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 23rd, 2008
9:19 am	getting better... ...I think. been sleeping less and less for some reason. Been eating less too, and it's showing slightly. I realised last night that the stress from every recent event in my life stems from a generally unfounded mistrust. I am afraid that my idiocy and my experiences with past relationships have coalesced into some ugly new demon, the likes of which scares me. I don't know what or who I can trust right now, and it's a false fear that I keep playing on. Something is seriously fucked up with my head when in one moment I can have such affectionate and happy feelings for someone, but at the drop of a hat I become mortified, callous, and defensively spikey to the point that I scare some people, and push the one thing I want further away. (longest run-on evar..) It's to such a degree now that I almost don't want this crap any more and would wish it over. Yet in the same sentence I beg for some resolution, while keeping her in my life. It can probably be said at this juncture that I'm incapable of handling relationships with other people simply because I can't handle my own emotions. With that, I've been attempting to change the way I think and respond to things. Currently, the mention of her name is a bag of holding so far as emotions are concerned. The mention of her name and some other guys name in context, but not necessarily the same sentence, throws my innards into a whirlwind of doom and the ensuing pukefest is never fun. I really would like my head to stop doing this to me. I think my last few relationships have scarred something. I feel deeply wounded, slightly used, abandoned, and all together unworthy of anything closely resembling "happy." I won't begin to discuss my issues in Downers Grove, or Streamwood.. I have failed at so much within the last 3 years. I want something to go right, I want the right job to work out, I want my bills caught up on time. I want my brain to function properly. I want my hands to stop shaking when I think of all my hard work, crashing downward towards my feet. I want my life to be okay for a change. The sad part about all of this is not that I'm just now realising the general cause of my fucked up state. It isn't the fact that I took this long to notice my own emotional predispositions, or the fact that my mental calm has been damaged for longer than I had previously thought. It isn't the point where I understand fully how wrong and sinister something in my brain feels. It's the fact that I wasn't this person in September. Sure I was hurt, and I was recovering, and I was much more responsible. The truth of the matter boils down to this, I promised I would take care of the both of us, and not use her as a crutch. I promised that I would work hard, both at a job and on my own self. I promised that I would pay back what I owed within a couple months, and that she would never have to pay rent again. So I've done the unthinkable, I've broken every promise I made to her since Fall. This only fans the inferno passing through my skull. All this does is tell me that she can't possibly trust or want me now, and I have to excuse myself from public view every time this thought occurs. What eveything equals here is an underlying lack of trust in myself, or others, to an indefinite end. I cannot in good conscience allow this pattern of thoughts and beliefs to continue. I want Kat in my life, I want her happy, I want her here, and I want her to fall in love with me, or at least show some sign of the obvious affections she held for me a few months ago. At the same time I want some kind of stability in my life!! I want to be able to pay the rent, the bills, to pay off my debts and to have a job worthy of "career" status. I want my truck to function efficiently and reliably, and I want to fix her cars and make her smile at me, without asking for it. I want to not fall apart so horribly, every occasion I think of her, and how unhappy I've made her life with me. And I'd like it if she would just tell me that I'm doing okay, and that I'm making progress in her eyes, and that all my efforts aren't in vain so far as we're concerned. I just want to know that I stand a chance at having her back in my life on a permanent basis. Most of all I just want her arms around me and a happy sigh, or something that tells me that I haven't fucked up everything beyond repair. With that I think I'll go cry for a bit, drive home, clean, and make lasagna. You should know that I spared you all my jealousy issues, which are a completely different bucket of yarn.. You wanna know the weird part? I'm getting more confident, I'm losing weight, I'm rarely drinking, and I can handle a few other thoughts with ease now. So it's true that humans really can experience so many emotions all at once, and not die from it. -Gregory Current Mood: improving.. Current Music: nothing.. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, February 16th, 2008
12:25 am	home.. I still have the apartment, everything should work out in due course, but I don't know for how much longer I can keep affording bills while working only one job. I've made the decision to go ahead and work very very hard for a salaried job with a lawn care company, while also applying for a few towing services around town. I'm hoping for somebody who will work with my existing schedule, and not cut into my social life too terribly. Really, honestly, right now it's about the money. I could give a fuck less about career minded decisions, or about the standards I want to uphold in choosing a workplace. At this point in time I need coin. Weak tea, as Jayne would say, this present job does nothing but cost me maintenance on my truck, and an undue amount of stress. I'm having trouble actually putting up with my manager while he's working with me. This coming week will tell the tale, as it were... We have a bunch of displays to build in about five stores, and that's no fun at all. I mean, drilling into floors is fun and all, but working with my micro/macro manager is getting very very very tedious and loathsome. I have not yet expanded ANY kind of client base here on the south side so far as side and full scale contract jobs go. Really, I just want to be paid for beating the crap out of the inside of a house, while still maintaining some kind of residency, whether on location or in my apt.. The apartment has been feeling less and less like home lately. I'm hardly even comfortable existing in such a large space. The animals keep me some company, but without the internet my computer has become a small gamebot console really.. Pretty much the only reason I still have the apartment, at least in my opinion, is so that there's a place for the furniture, and the pets, and the occasional free meal. Sometimes I have to question whether or not my companionship is worth the trouble and drama I tend to breed. I have a bad feeling in my gut these days, and for some reason my subconscious is entertaining the thought that I'm being let down slowly rather than simply dropped on my ass. I don't want to believe that it's happening like that, but it still doesn't make my head hurt any less. I'm practically begging for a chance to make amends and show that I'm responsible, but up until this point in life I've shown nothing more than a slew of dead and untried schemes, some broken ideas and goals, and a plethora of longings to which I've not aspired more than a few days. I am of the mind that I need to grow up, and I don't think I'm emotionally capable of a few things at the moment. Truth is I have no idea how to say any of this with my mouth, it just works better coming out of my fingers... It's that moment where you realise that maybe you aren't as hard working as you'd dreamt. It's that point in time where you think you have it all nailed down, but in reality you've been pulling up on the boards the whole time. It's that tragic reminder when you think you're a good boyfriend, and you try very hard to be wonderful, when in all reality you're nowhere near husband material, and possibly more annoying and clingy than you might, at present, realise. I'm tired of not being what I want to/can be.. So with that I have a few more thoughts out of my head and on paper. I am filled with self doubt at this time, but I really really really just want things to be happy and alright. Deep down I'm killing myself for not having been responsible enough to have handled things like an adult over the last four months. My immaturity and weak demeanor have ruined what was once a happy, budding relationship. I don't know what to think about me now, I don't even see myself as the slightest ounce of emotionally or physically attractive. I'm a couple weeks from retreating into work and becoming a hermit. I just don't understand how I can let myself hurt so much when I know just talking about it might really help. Puking every other morning and working out three days a week is helping, minimally..... This is the best talking I can do, cause Gods know, I can't speak when I want to convey how I really feel. Be well everyone, if not for you, then for those around you... -Gregory Current Mood: extremely tired and stressed.. Current Music: quiet melodies repeating through my head.. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 13th, 2008
7:18 pm	vanishing act.. Edit: I might lose the apartment should things not improve. This will only enhance your awareness of my absence as I will pretty much stop giving a fuck if I have to be homeless again.. We'll see how things go from here.. To further fix my life I'm disappearing from the internet for an extended period of time, possibly more than a month... There will be a few limited access posts throughout the course of this time period. I have fallen apart, the only thing different about this time is that I have a job and a place to live, and some friends that actually really do care about how everything plays out. I have had some very, very graphic and rather vivid nightmares of late, when I actually do sleep. I have been thinking things that aren't me.. -Gregory Current Mood: crap Current Music: Yoko Kanno, Solid State Society soundtrack (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, February 4th, 2008
4:46 pm	work, moneys, and internetses.. So I'm working now, it's odd and boring. I'm sleeping and eating less considering the fact that I'm rarely if never home and awake at the same time. I got paid for a couple days of work last week at like 125 bucks.. I want somebody to cash it for me so I can do a cash deposit, otherwise, depositing the check would take until... well the next direct deposit to clear. Something about the way that works just ticks me off.. Also, internets are broken considering the lack of moneys in the last 16 weeks. Truck is doing okay, but he's hating the regular gas my manager likes to push of me. I've found I don't really like the man considering his penchant for acting like he's my dad.. Gregory... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 20th, 2008
1:15 am	in all actuality... With the stress and angst of these last two weeks mounting on a common theme, work, I'm surprisingly well off mentally. Friday I went through all the motions and stayed awake for roughly 20 hours to get one thing taken care of. For the first time in two years I actually have a valid driver's license. Driving has been a lot easier for me since then (all 32 hours of freedom) but it just makes me realise how incredibly horrible the last two years really were. 90% of the jobs I was ever qualified for, and couldn't apply for, were out of reach because they require a valid license.. I never got around to working hard enough to save the money to travel the states, let alone Europe. I'm still in the same place psychologically as I was then, though with a few more trepidations so far as the opposite sex is concerned. Relationships, speaking of, are a bit odd when you think about it. I've been spending every waking moment trying to impress or service one individual, without the thought of my own emotional needs. It seems callous, and cold, but in all actuality I can't afford to keep doing that. I don't know what she wants, and half the time I'm worried that I'm making the same mistakes I have countless times before. I just want there to be some modicum of comfortability in conversations, some understanding, some common ground outside of our interests, and points of view. I want that aspect of a relationship that makes you think it's not going to end tomorrow, or in the next decade. Back on the subject, relationships can throw a person every which way, but they never seem to throw you omnidirectionaly.. Some though, have pulled me from different angles at the same time, however others tend to pull me from one solid source, the loins. Being 24, and male, this is obviously a normal occurrence, however it's become more and more annoying. I can't stand knowing that I resort to affections when I ought to stand my morals up straight and be somewhat masculine. To put it bluntly, I've been the giddy little school boy in the past (1, 2..4, 5....9) ..11 relationships. Should any of you be familiar with this type of guy, I'm sorry. But for all intents and purposes I've played the bitch in the relationship for as long as I can remember. It's rare that I've taken the time to plan something that I wanted to do just for myself, and even more rare that I would want to be selfish about certain things, namely intercourse. I have to say that standing up for myself morally, and in a manly fashion, is very very fucking difficult when I don't have a job, or any other source of income that pays the bills. To ME, at the moment, the only things I have going for me are the fact that I can cook, fix cars, clean and do dishes (sometimes), and I've the aspiration to be a stay at home dad/farmer.. I think in one of my "most private things" I mention that I'll almost never feel like I'm good enough. I've been feeling that way for a good two months straight now, pretty much since I was arrested in Bellwood, IL for driving on a suspended license (cue: euphoric recollection of the event). Have you ever been the hands-and-knees part of the relationship, the person that constantly feels that if they step the wrong way they're going to fuck up most of their world? Have you ever been the idiot of the relationship that lets things slide simply because the two of you don't quite get each other's idiosyncrasies? Is it possible that you play possum emotionally when in all reality every ounce of your insides is in utter revolt? Well then, you're probably the bend-over-and-take-it bitch of the relationship. For some reason, in the last couple of days, I've been doing my gorram best to fracking grow up. I spent 850 dollars this week on a traffic ticket, a reinstatement fee, and insurance.. And at the end of the day, I'm still trying not to step on toes, and I'm trying not to be obvious about it. The kitchen lays in ruin once more, my desk is a whirlwind of doom, and I should probably clean the chinchilla cages before they wreak of putrescence. I start a job in no less than a couple days, and I have very few clean clothes, and no social security card because it went !vorp! at some point. Beyond all of that, all of everything that I've been doing the last three days, some fucked up part of my brain is still trying to tell me that I'm an idiotic fuck for brains that can't accomplish a goddamn thing! Somewhere in the last three relationships, part of my confidence got up and took a paid vacation. It's as the bowels of my subconscious bribed it to fuck off for a couple years so that we could all wallow in the collective indignation that's become my self esteem. In the midst of this is the overwhelming urge to punch something hard and not so malleable, the occasional need to fuck the brains out of something human and female, and the simplistic, but extremely rare want for a bullet in the brain pan (squish). So maybe this week I've figured out that I really am being mind fucked by none other than myself. Something else to note, since I left FedEx in September, and with the holidays, I now hate my metabolism as much as I did in June. This constant level of being upset has put me beyond tears at this point. It's no longer painfully obvious that I fuck things up daily. Now, it's just frustrating, again with the resistance to punch a wall. It's frustrating to the point that every now and then I think I might take pleasure in putting 5 ounces of cemtex on top of my trucks engine, and waiting for the resulting bang. It's frustrating enough that it kills any sexual energy that I have left. Now, granted, I still feel the need/want for sex, but my body and my soul seem completely incapable of mustering any drive beyond an erection. So it's time for bed, and I feel like puking a little. My body hates me for lying on cold concrete for 3 hours straight, dropping the transmission on our project car. I made more food tonight, enough leftovers for the next couple of days. I start earning money this week, and getting my shit straight, and my bills paid, and possibly rent for the first time since we moved in at the end of Oktober. You know how the human mind has two options when facing the tough shit? Well I can't afford flight right now, seeing as how I've straightened out the longest running mess in less than 10 days. My mind keeps saying run, my body keeps saying run, my soul keeps dragging the both of them to places I've never been, all the while my conscious mind is saying that standing here, and now, is the right thing to do. So fuck it, somebody hand me an air-nailer.. Gregory Current Mood: not entirely happy.. Current Music: happy hardcore, as much good as it's doing me.. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, January 12th, 2008
5:29 am	woot I finally have a job now. And I think by Tuesday I'll actually have a Valid Drivers license for the first time in two years.... Life is looking up at last! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 9th, 2008
6:49 am	stupid brain.. My head has not been working lately, and I can't seem to get it to stop long enough to make sense of things. There are things I want to say to people and the fact that every moment in life passes before I can fucking think of what needs to be said has really started pissing me off.. I still have no work, no prospects, maybe a couple of freelancing gigs but that's about it. Life in general has stopped. My ADD makes me look worse than my Grandmother. Katie mentioned the other day that my bus leaves the station with nobody on it, nobody driving it, and me in its bathroom not noticing a damned thing. Apparently I've been not noticing a lot of things of late. In fact I know I have, trouble is I don't know what they are. I did something worthwhile in the last five days, I made a few phone calls, and not only am I hopefully closer to work, but I actually have something planned in March! I've been trying not to break down and cry since Fri/Sat last. I think I'll go to bed now and stop trying. -Gregory Current Mood: melancholy Current Music: Vickers nibbling at her cage.. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 3rd, 2008
6:35 pm	..well we're all still here.. This will be short and abrupt.. I want to go back to school, but Sallie Mae is one tough bitch. I haven't had work in over a month now, and it's taking a toll, on everything really. Certain body parts on the truck keep falling apart. I keep craving adventure, but this need for responsibility, this necessity for life as it stands remains stronger.. I can't fix everything I come across, and I'm still working on me. Kitty is in Iowa for the weekend for a Camarilla event. I've started playing Werewolf, the Forsaken, and I'm having a high old time. I am continually frustrated by my past choices and habits as they are the greatest deterrents to my attaining a job. The engine block is still on my kitchen floor, I have more furniture than I know what to do with, and the lack of a real desk is starting to hurt my productivity in many many ways. School would be a nice change, albeit only two nights a week, I could stand to work harder to make more money once I have certifications. If anyone wants to volunteer to cosign on a loan for my education, I'd really appreciate it.. Current Mood: meh Current Music: Elucidate - Lucid Dream, 2am version |Di.fm
Wednesday, November 28th, 2007
4:11 pm	updates.. When last I wrote I was on the eve of a trip to Chicago. It had a rough start, as in starting late, multiple stops, nobody was ready, I got us lost twice, and then we hit a kind of a hitch (the exact nature or which I may or may not say anything about; questions will be responded to by email). Everything sorted out about four hours later. The weekend continued relatively smooth like, with exception to the drama associated with our traveling companions. Katy had some things for me so I received them the night we left. Overall it was a grand drive, and IKEA proved more than enough fun. This last week or so has proven rather slow, seeing as how I've not had work for two weeks, rent and bills are due, and there's an engine-and-bits sprawled out on the would-be-dining-room-turned-work-bench-home..... It's that time of year that I'd rather hibernate than do much else. I want snow, I want goats, I want a comfy hobbit hole home, and the recent searchings between Montana lands, Illinois, Canada, and a few other places, has made me want to start looking for a sublet. Squatters rights still work, right? I'd really like to say more about what's going on with this weekends trip. I will however note that it is a requirement. If you put two and two together, then you'll figure it out verily. Please for the love of the gods (those that are capable of love) please don't comment on what you think that is. Just hope I don't anger anyone in the mean time. In the mean time, somebody dumped a few animals on us, a Degu and an extra Chinchilla.. I want to escape this place with a few people, and just live. -Gregory Current Mood: no mood, just thoughts Current Music: quiet bits of solstice in my head.. (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 15th, 2007
3:30 am	Travels.. I'm headed to Chicago in roughly 7 hours. I'll be there all weekend with Kitty and her friends. There are two chinchilla sitting in a cage to my right, and they are more than happy to have fresh bedding, real food, water, and come Monday, their dustbath! Third job in two months fired me for being human and slightly medically challenged. I'm hoping to get rehired at Borders. More later.. -Gregory Current Mood: tired but well aimed.. Current Music: Remnants of Firefly floating through my brain.. (Comment on this)